My Amazing Mother

It’s been 8 months since my mom has passed and I am still wiping the tears out of my ears some nights.

About nine months before she passed, finding out she had cancer, my instinctual reaction was to stop speaking; as time went by, I was able to whisper and then speak again. As my mom was going through the stages of cancer; she also stopped speaking, then whispered, and eventually started to speak again as well.

My mom and I have always had a close connection, at the same time it was confusing because it was not always a healthy connection. Now that she has passed, I am having memories of all the love she was trying to teach me. I can see that the pain of the things she went through in her life over time started to dampen her goofy joyful spirit. She struggled with depression and never quite healed from losing her first born son, and husband and father of her five children.

 Growing up she would sleep a lot and with many books surrounding her. She would read several books at once. She loved history and was fascinated by the Kennedys and the mystery behind the Russian Grand Duchess, Anastasia. She made and decorated beautiful cakes and candies. Every time I would visit her, she was excited about a new healing technique she was learning and had to show it to me. I got my love of healing, herbs, and appreciation for spirituality from her.  She also loved to draw, paint, and sew.

I would sometimes get mad because she laughed at EVERYTHING! She would tell me not be so serious, and as I am getting older I can understand why she said that. Most of all I can still hear her encourage me when was feeling alone and wanting to give up. She would say you can do it lins, remember the power of NOW, not the future or the past. She even painted me a painting with the word now on it. She would remind me of the fairytale story of the elves and the shoemaker, when I couldn’t see how something was possible.

In hospice she told me about a half of a white cat visiting her and wanting to eat her boogers. lol She asked me if I found my marbles. I sent her a picture of my marbles and said; yes, mom I have all of my marbles. In hospice they eventually started serving her ground up food, she said it was gross and that they started feeding her fairy food. The hospice nurse said she didn’t understand what she was saying or was going on because of the meds she was on. For some reason I understood what she was trying to tell me about the half of a white cat, the fairy food, and asking me if I still have all of my marbles. She recently appeared to me in a dream showing me a whole white cat.

My mom was a funny, loving, brilliant person, ahead of her time and often misunderstood. I am so grateful for a mother like her. I miss her so much and hope she sees that I did my best to be a good daughter to her despite having my own struggles in life.

 I recently saw a dark shadow in my room and I said, go away! I heard, it’s me lins, I said, mom? Why are you so dark? She said I can’t find the light. I said, you can enter into the light now mom, I will show you the way.